The holidays are magical—and intense—especially if you’re parenting a strong-willed child. More lights, more excitement, more family gatherings—and yes, more energy surges. For SWCs, typical parenting strategies often backfire. Time-outs might spark resistance, “choices” can lead to negotiation marathons, and rewards may feel like bribes.
The good news? There are strategies that really work for SWCs, even when the usual advice doesn’t.
1. Notice Energy Before It Peaks
Strong-willed kids often lead with their energy. Instead of reacting, try preparing for it:
- Encourage a short movement break before a family outing or activity.
- Offer a tactile or fidget activity while waiting for transitions.
- Use playful mindfulness cues: “Let’s take three big balloon breaths together.”
These small steps help channel energy rather than clash with it.
2. Boundaries Without Battles
SWCs resist rules that feel imposed. A different approach: allow flexibility in how a boundary is followed, not whether it exists. Examples:
- Instead of “You have to clean your room now,” try: “Which part of the room feels easiest to start with?”
- Instead of “Sit at the table,” try: “Here or there—where feels best for you today?”
This is what I call Soft Structure. It’s an approach that works with strong-willed kids where all other strategies often fail. Soft Structure preserves the boundary while honoring autonomy, which reduces the pushback that usually escalates meltdowns. This approach respects autonomy while keeping expectations clear.
3. Micro-Choices for Cooperation
Strong-willed kids respond to control over small decisions. Micro-choice interruptions give them that sense of agency:
- “Do you want to hand out napkins or cups first?”
- “Which jacket feels more comfortable to put on first?”
Even small decisions increase cooperation and reduce resistance.
4. Anchor in Wins, Not Guilt
Focusing on mistakes often backfires with SWCs. Instead, notice what’s going well:
- “I noticed how you helped clean up, even though you were tired.”
- “You paused for a moment before leaving the party—great thinking!”
Acknowledging successes builds confidence and encourages self-regulation.
5. The Power of Positive Connection: Take 5 Minutes of Child-Led Time
One of the most underrated strategies for strong-willed kids is intentional connection before expecting cooperation. Even just five minutes of child-led interaction can work wonders:
- Let your child choose the activity—drawing, building, telling a story, or even picking a holiday task.
- Follow their lead fully, without correcting or redirecting.
- Use this time to notice, comment, and engage with their ideas: “I love how you decided to…”, “That was creative!”
This brief, focused connection builds trust, teamwork, and cooperation, making transitions and holiday tasks easier. Strong-willed kids are more likely to listen, help, and engage positively when they feel genuinely seen and valued. Think of it as a mini “team-building session” before the holiday whirlwind begins.
6. Practice Regulation During Calm Moments
Rather than waiting for a meltdown to teach skills, practice during low-energy times:
- Silly mindful breathing: “Smell the cookie, blow out the candle.”
- Energy scaling: “What number is your engine—1 is sleepy, 10 is rocket?”
- Role-playing holiday scenarios.
These exercises become automatic tools for handling holiday stress.
7. Soft Structure Holds the Day Together
Rigid routines can feel restrictive; no structure can feel chaotic. Soft structure blends predictability with flexibility:
- Offer suggested time limits: “We can open gifts for about 20 minutes and then see what’s next.”
- Let your child influence the sequence: “Which gift feels exciting to open first?”
- Guide consequences in a gentle, logical way: “The ornament tipped over—let’s set it upright and try again.”
Over time, this approach teaches independence, emotional resilience, and helps your child enjoy the season.
TL;DR:
Strong-willed kids thrive with autonomy and predictability, not rigid rules. Preempt energy surges, offer flexible choices, notice wins, build connection with child-led time, practice regulation during calm moments, and use soft structure. These strategies reduce stress and build resilience—so your holiday season can be calmer, happier, and more connected.
Feeling the holiday energy spikes? Grab my free Calm Holiday Countdown Advent Activity to help your child (and you!) navigate the season with more calm, connection, and joy.
[Get the Free Advent Activity →]
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Begin Within
and align with the rhythm of nature and self.
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