Typical, classic holiday afternoons — the kind where everyone is half-dressed, half-panicked, and half-wondering why we ever said yes to yet another festive activity.
The family had planned a quick outing to see holiday lights before dinner.
“Time to go! Shoes on! Let’s move!”
You know the drill. The clock is ticking, the food is cooling, the mood is… slipping.
And the child — a wonderfully bright, deeply sensitive, typically strong-willed kid — freezes.
Then the “nope” hits.
Then the resistance.
Hard.
Now, if you’ve parented an SWC during the holidays, you know: it doesn’t matter how fun the thing is.
It doesn’t matter that they asked to do it yesterday.
It doesn’t matter that everyone is already halfway out the door.
The moment it becomes real, that it becomes a commitment or an expectation, it becomes a threat.
For years I’ve worked with parents navigating situations just like these.
We always start by reframing the behavior.
This is not “bad behavior.”
This is not “disrespect.”
This is not “ungratefulness.”
It’s communication parents need help decoding.
It’s the nervous system saying, “This is too much.”
For most parents, especially in the beginning of our work, this iss not an easy shift.
Many were raised in the era of
“Don’t make a scene.”
“Suck it up.”
“Do it because I said so. Do it NOW.”
When they were kids they weren’t allowed to resist. They weren’t allowed to have needs.
They certainly weren’t allowed to have limits.
And like so many loving parents, they want to teach their children the grit that helped them get through.
They want their children to be resilient.
They want their child to be able to handle life — and, honestly, to handle the holidays which are meant to be fun- I mean, seriously!
By the time they get to me they have often tried “everything”: charts, consequences, pep talks, warnings, losing their crap.
Sometimes for years… and nothing ever really worked. In many cases, things actually got worse!
Finally — cautiously, skeptically, and, if Im being honest, desparately — they agree to try my approach.
You can spend your energy trying to win this battle…
or you can make key adjustments now and reap the real gains later.
Last week, one of the families I work with got their biggest win yet. (I have to say there is no bigger high for me than experiencing these successes!)
The Turning Point
The family was headed out to a holiday dinner.
Kiddo seemed excited and on board. Every was walking on eggshells and holding their breath in hopes things would go smoothly.
And then their kid locked up at the doorway. Mom and Dad tensed.
When I first met them, these moments would go like this:
Mom would encourage.
Dad would get frustrated.
Mom would try to calm both Dad and kiddo.
Dad would get mad at Mom. Mom would get mad at Dad.
And kiddo would blow up and run off.
This time, when that familiar escalation started, these parents made a different choice:
(Ok, I make that sound easy, but, truthfully, they have worked for this!
They slowed down.
They stepped back.
They took their deep breaths first.
They dropped the expectation of getting out the door “on time.”
They let go of the internal pressure to “just make it work.”
They focused on managing their own frustration instead of the child’s behavior.
Then, calmly, they offered compromises.
Choices that lowered the pressure but still created momentum.
And after a few minutes?
Their child — the one who had just been ready to abandon the entire plan —
chose the original activity.
Not because they were forced.
Not because they were bribed.
Not because the parents “won.”
But because the pressure was gone.
And also because of the steady, patient work these parents have been doing for months.
The reps. The reframes. The new patterns.
This one moment wasn’t magic.
It was practice meeting opportunity.
Holiday overwhelm meeting parent regulation.
Demand avoidance meeting non-demanding leadership.
It was the perfect reminder that:
Change is absolutely possible.
And it often shows up at the very moments we’re tempted to push the hardest.
Your Turn: What’s Your Most Important Goal This Season?
Take a moment — today, ideally — and talk with your spouse or co-parent.
Ask yourselves:
- What matters most for our family this year?
- Is it doing all the holiday things?
- Getting the perfect pictures?
- Trying to create the holiday we never got as kids?
Or…
Is it helping your child grow and stretch safely?
Building trust and connection?
Creating a calmer home where everyone breathes easier?
What if you can have both —
the memories and the emotional growth —
just not at the same time?
And what if prioritizing connection now
creates the capacity for more joy later?
No matter how much your own inner child wants the bows, the sparkle, the magical movie-moment…
the best gift you could give your family might actually be peace at home.
It really is possible.
One step at a time.
Trust the process.
TL;DR
Holiday rushing + PDA child = meltdown.
Parents I’ve been supporting finally tried a new approach: slowing down, taking off the pressure, regulating themselves first, and offering a few low-demand choices.
Kiddo felt safe enough to choose the original plan — completely unprompted.
When we stop seeing resistance as defiance and start seeing it as communication, everything changes.
This season, choose connection first. The rest will follow.
___________________
Begin Within
and align with the rhythm of nature and self.
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