The Missing Piece in Most New Year Parenting Resolutions And Why your strong-willed child’s success begins with your own inner work.
Every January, I see the same hopefull cycle play out.
Clients come in with fresh planners.
They layout new routines and show me the color-coded behavior charts they have taped to the fridge.
The hope is: this is the year things will be different.
And for a week or two, the new structure feels good and seems to be working.
Then the meltdowns return.
The pushback resurfaces.
The power struggles sneak back into the moments you thought you’d finally figured out.
If that’s you, let me say this clearly and kindly:
You aren’t faililng at parenting— you are pulling the wrong lever.
Strong-willed children don’t change because you’ve set up a new routine or implemented a different structure. And they don’t transform because we try harder, get stricter, or find the perfect strategy. The change that actually transforms starts somewhere else all together.
The Cultural Myth of Change You Have to Challenge
Most of us were raised with the wrong beliefs about change:
- Try harder
- Be more consistent
- Apply the right consequence
- Get better control
We’re taught that improvement comes from willpower and effort—and that if kids aren’t changing, adults just aren’t imposing the right rules.
But strong-willed children don’t respond to pressure. (and, frankly, neither do we as adults!).
Strong-willed kids respond to presence and connection.
You can have the best strategies in the world, but if you are unable to keep calm consistently, all those efforts won’t get you far. If your nervous system is fried, overwhelmed, or bracing for the next explosion, those well-chosen tools won’t land the way you hope. Not because they’re bad tools—but because connection and safety are the gatekeepers of regulation and behavior.
Why Strong-Willed Kids Don’t Improve Without Parent Change
A Neurobiology Reality Check
Children don’t learn to regulate themselves in isolation. Sure, they might learn to suppress feelings as they get older, but true self regulation requires the right guidance. Children’s nervous systems- strong-willed or not- develop in relationship.
Research in interpersonal neurobiology shows that:
- Children borrow regulation from adult nervous systems, mirroring what they see and feel
- Calm, flexible adults help organize dysregulated brains
- Stress narrows thinking—for both kids and parents
When you’re dysregulated, your brain has less access to:
- Patience
- Creativity
- Problem-solving
- Empathy
And under stress, both you and your child will default to old survival patterns—fight, flight, freeze, or control.
Key point:
Your child’s nervous system doesn’t need more rules or structure.
It’s looking for calm and safe leadership.
The Generational Layer That Is Getting in Your Way
Here’s where this gets even harder—and more critical.
Many parents today were raised to:
- Ignore their own needs
- Push through stress
- “Be the adult” by suppressing emotion
- Perform calm rather than feel calm
Now you’re parenting a child who:
- Feels everything
- Notices everything
- Pushes back against emotional disconnection
- Reacts strongly to control without connection
This creates an impossible bind:
You’re trying to raise an emotionally healthy child without having been taught emotional health yourself.
Read that again.
Put another way:
You cannot help your child be emotionally healthy without being emotionally healthy yourself.
That’s not a personal failure or a character flaw. You cannot give something you never got yourself.
It’s the result of a generational gap between what you received and what you are trying to give.
Strong-willed kids have a way of exposing the places where the old rules no longer work—and where new skills are needed. That’s their gift to us.
What Psychology Has Taught Us About Attachment & Emotion Regulation
From an attachment perspective, secure relationships aren’t built through perfection. They’re built through repair.
Secure attachment means a child trusts that their caregiver will be emotionally available, responsive, and supportive, especially when things feel hard, overwhelming, or uncertain. Building secure attachment with strong-willed children is especially challenging because their intense, persistent behaviors place higher demands on parents’ already stressed nervous systems—often exposing gaps in regulation skills that make it harder to stay calm, responsive, and emotionally available in the moments that matter most.
Secure attachment develops through parents:
- Noticing their internal reactions
- Tolerating and allowing emotions—even the big, messy ones
- Guiding behavior, not shaming or criticizing
- Repairing after rupture
Strong-willed children don’t need parents who never get triggered.
They need parents who can:
- Notice when they are triggered
- Pause before reacting
- Return to connection and lead the way back to calm
Regulated parenting—not emotional suppression which SWC’s won’t trust—is what helps these kids feel safe enough to cooperate, learn, and grow.
The Reframe for the New Year that Invites True Transformation
So what if this year, instead of asking:
- “How do I get my child to listen?”
- “How do I stop the meltdowns?”
- “How do I fix this behavior?”
You tried asking:
- “What gets activated in me when my child resists?”
- “Where do I lose my footing under stress?”
- “What support does my nervous system need this year?”
This isn’t about avoiding or ignoring your child’s needs and challenges.
It’s about recognizing that your state sets the tone for everything that follows.
What “Doing Your Own Work” Actually Means
(No therapy jargon—real life.)
People often talk about “doing the work”. But what does that even mean?
When we talk about parents “doing their own work,” we don’t mean years of analysis or becoming endlessly focused on self-improvement strategies.
We mean:
- Learning to notice your body before your words
- Understanding your triggers and the stories behind them
- Building small, repeatable regulation practices
- Letting go of urgency and self-blame
- Choosing progress over perfection
This isn’t self-centered or self indulgent.
It’s the most effective intervention available for a strong-willed child.
After decades of working with children and families, I can attest to the fact that there are no work arounds to this essential truth.
Why This Is the Year to Start
Your child doesn’t need yet another limit, lesson, or goal to strive for- more often that not these kids already feel like they fall short.
They need you—steadier, more resilient, more aware.
When parents change:
- Power struggles soften
- Ruptures repair faster
- Homes feel safer
- Kids behave better—not because they’re controlled, but because they’re supported
This is the work that makes everything else work better.
Although, in today’s self-help, coach-for-every-problem culture, I’m a bit allergic to overused phrases like “transformation” and “lasting change,” the shifts I’ve witnessed in families who commit to this work are truly profound—and would inspire even the most skeptical parent.
If that’s you—hesitant about “progressive parenting approaches,” tired of trying with little to show for it, and unwilling to read one more parenting book—I invite you to let everything else go and give yourself this one gift. I think you’ll be very glad you did.
Parenting Patterns Under Stress
A Gentle Self-Reflection
Before you read further, take a moment to reflect—not to judge, just to notice and learn.
When your strong-willed child is upset, resisting, or pushing back, which of these feel familiar under stress?
(Check all that apply.)
⬜ I feel an urgent need to stop the behavior now
⬜ My body tightens (jaw, chest, shoulders, stomach)
⬜ I raise my voice or become more forceful than I intend
⬜ I over-explain, negotiate, or talk too much
⬜ I shut down, withdraw, or go emotionally quiet
⬜ I feel flooded with self-doubt or shame afterward
⬜ I think, “Why is this so hard for me?”
If you checked more than one, you’re in good company.
These aren’t personality flaws.
They’re nervous system patterns—often shaped by how we were supported (or not) under stress growing up.
👉 If you want to learn more, check out the full Parenting Patterns Under Stress self-reflection, where you’ll learn:
- Which pattern shows up most strongly for you
- Why it makes sense given your history
- How it impacts your strong-willed child
- The small shifts that will help you stay grounded when it matters most
Link Coming Soon! → Get the Full Reflection + Your Results ←
Final Reflection
If nothing changes in your child this year—but something changes in you—everything changes.
As you step into this new year, consider:
- How do I want my reactions to change?
- What do I want to strengthen in myself?
- What kind of emotional modeling do I want to bring into my home?
This is not the year to fix your child.
It’s the year to build the foundation that allows them to thrive.
And to give yourself the tools you never got.
You don’t have to do it alone. There is a whole community of parents learning with you.
Are you ready to transform together?
___________________
Begin Within
and align with the rhythm of nature and self.
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