You reach for your child.
A hand on the shoulder. A quick hug. A gentle squeeze.
And they recoil.
“Don’t touch me.”
They pull away like you’ve crossed a line.
It stings. More than we usually admit.
And it can quietly reinforce a painful story:
They don’t want me.
I try so hard but all I seem to do is make it worse.
Maybe I should just back off.
But here’s what’s actually happening—beneath the behavior, beneath the words, beneath the push-back- is a nervous system that doesn’t yet know how to stay regulated in connection.
This isn’t rejection. It’s reactivity.
This month in the PPSWC Community: Touch & Proprioception
This month, we’re focusing on touch and proprioception—one of the most powerful regulation tools for strong-willed children.
Occupational therapists understand how important this is, but the rest of us often don’t.
Proprioception is the sense of where your body is in space.
It comes from the connection between the nervous system and receptors in muscles and joints.
And for strong-willed kids, it’s often the missing piece.
We talk a lot about words, routines, and consequences.
But when the body can’t settle and feel safe, words are ineffective.
Why This Matters So Much for Strong-Willed Kids
Strong-willed children tend to have nervous systems that default to withdrawal under stress.
When things feel overwhelming, their system says:
Pull back. Go inward. Protect.
That can look like:
• Retreating to their room
• Avoiding eye contact
• Shutting down
• Pushing people away—especially parents
(even lashing out is a form of avoidance and retreat!)
Here’s the paradox:
👉 The very kids who push away touch are often the ones who need it most.
When touch is:
• Predictable
• Consent-based
• Firm rather than light
• Offered when they’re calm, not escalated
…it sends a powerful message to the nervous system:
You’re safe. You’re supported. You don’t have to hold yourself together alone.
Touch—when done right—is one of the fastest pathways back to safety.
What to Expect This Week
We’re unpacking this slowly and thoughtfully, because this topic can be complicated.
Here are the things we will cover this week:
• The neuroscience of touch and regulation
• A simple practice you can try at home
• What to do if your child is sensory defensive
• What this brings up for you as a parent—and why that matters
To be clear: this isn’t about forcing affection.
It’s about restoring safety in connection.
An Invitation (Not an Assignment)
This week, simply notice.
Notice when your child:
• Seeks physical contact
• Avoids it
• Accepts it briefly
• Only tolerates it under certain conditions
Notice without fixing.
Without correcting.
Without commenting.
Just gather information.
Your child’s nervous system is always communicating—even when words aren’t available.
Do-It-At-Home Practice
The 10-Second Shoulder Check-In
Try this only when your child is already calm.
1. Stand behind your child
2. Ask: “Can I put my hands on your shoulders?”
3. If yes:
• Place firm (not light) hands on their shoulders
• Hold for 10 seconds
• Breathe slowly—together if possible
4. Release
That’s it.
No processing.
No teaching moment.
No follow-up question.
And here’s the critical piece we often forget:
👉 Notice what happens in your body too.
Regulation is a two-way street.
TL;DR
Strong-willed children often push away touch not because they don’t need it—but because their nervous system doesn’t yet trust it.
This week on PPSWC, we’re exploring:
• Why touch regulates strong-willed nervous systems
• How to use it safely and respectfully
• What to do when your child seems to reject physical contact
Small shifts.
Deep impact.
We’ll take this one step at a time—together.
___________________
Begin Within
and align with the rhythm of nature and self.
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